Monday, 4 March 2013

"Sorry for my mistakes"

I am thinking about all that you and I have experienced and 
been through together (good and bad) and my actions of the past .

I am incredibly embarrassed and ashamed for all the bad that I've said and done , 
all the arguing and yelling , 
more importantly the embarrassment and 
unequivocal hurt and sadness I have caused you . .
It's so hard to think of the tremendous damage 
I have caused to break apart every good thing you were trying to build for us
for our future . .
Those are just my feelings and not excuses or blame . 
I take full responsibility for what I have done ,
 and do truly want what is best for the entirety of you . .

You are right . . 

I do have high emotions and where we were concerned I wasn't strong enough . . 
My insecurities and inability to effectively manage 
how I was feeling at times has caused me to lose 
my best friend , my confidant , and my partner . .
I wasn't there for you the way I should have been , 
the way you needed me to be there for you , 
for our relationship . . 
You must have felt so alone and so sad and so hurt . 
I feel alone and sad and hurt now because of my own thoughtless actions . 
I have learned a great deal on how to manage 
and effectively communicate what I am feeling . 
I really want to thank you for helping me to identify that . 
There was a lot that I didn't realize and experience until you came into my life . 
You have helped me grow and learn so much . .
These are my words which probably don't mean a thing to you now , 
but I needed to let you know the truth about how 
I feel and the truth about what is and always has been . 
Every mean , deep cutting , cruel , hurtful , a
nd horrid thing I ever said to you , I want you to know , need you to know , 
that those are not my true feelings . . 
You are such a wonderful person . .

You are phenomenal , 
and magnificent and brilliant , 
you have effected me so profoundly . . 
You must know that every mean thing I ever said was said out of pain , 
a lot of hard , deep , undiluted pain . .
You will say that I've said these things before 
but the difference now is that I've done it . 
I have corrected and changed the faults within 
myself that caused the rift between us and 
I am continuing to take advantage of the help that I've found . . 
I didn't take these steps and make these changes 
because of some manipulative ploy or plot to get you back , 
because I have accepted the breakup , 
and have come to terms with it ,
 and I understand why you chose to discontinue 
and why you feel the way you do towards me . . 
I also understand why and how you could think I am manipulative , 
because I have made apologies before
 but I didn't hold long to the promises
 I made or the things I expressed in those apologies and
 I know that it seemed that when things were
 back to normal I would revert back to the actions and attitude
 I had before I apologized . .

I had felt lost and in the dark and didn't see that 
I had all that I needed in you to help me get through anything .

And now , I want to say that I am sorry . 
You have given me so much and shown me so much 
and I will forever be thankful for the profound 
effect you've had on me and in my life . .
I know I didn't show you the appreciation I should have ,
 but I must inform you now , 
that although I said things and did things to the contrary , 
I did appreciate you , so much . .

I know there are no words that can make up for 
the sadness and pain that I've caused you and while
 I pray for your forgiveness I do not and cannot expect it . .
 I am prepared and willing to accept that you will not forgive me . .
 I just wanted you to know the truth about how I feel .
 I have learned to effectively use the experiences of the past 
to help with my efforts in making myself and my life better . .
I was shown that we cannot allow our fears of rejection 
to discourage us from making a sincere 
and honest effort in trying to correct our mistakes of the past 
or make peace with people that we've hurt , 
we cannot allow that dread to prevent what could be a positive outcome . 
But instead to acknowledge and accept that rejection 
is a possibility and to utilize that as a deeper lesson 
as to the harm that our thoughtlessness and 
not being in control of our emotions can inflict 
on the ones we love as well as ourselves . .
This was one of the steps taught , 
to attempt to make peace with people in our past 
whom we've hurt or hurt us or had a misunderstanding or falling out with etc . . 
And whether the result is positive or negative , 
whether they accept or reject our apology is up to them ,
 and is ok because we at least tried and we can use that towards self betterment . .
No matter the reaction of the person or people 
we try to make peace with we can use it as a positive dose to our efforts . .

Terima kasih sebab sudi baca !! ツ

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